


When the dam breaks

by catt021



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Family Drama, Family Feels, Other, Post-Episode: s01e12 Malec, season 3b
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 18:30:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16728633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catt021/pseuds/catt021
Summary: Alec knew when he agreed to having dinner with his father that he was going to end up regretting it.Or, the fic where Alec finally confronts his father about what happened after he came out at the wedding.





	When the dam breaks

**Author's Note:**

> This idea has been rolling around in my head for a while. I always felt a tad dissatisfied by the way Alec's coming out was handled. They got so busy with Valentine that no one (except for Isabelle and Magnus) stopped to actually talk about it with Alec. Alec's parents were so concerned with the fact that Magnus was a Downworlder, that they barely addressed the fact that Alec had just shared a secret he had been agonizing over for 10 years. 
> 
> Thus, this story came to be. I hope you enjoy. I tried my best to be fair to Alec's parents and not paint them as absolute villains. But obviously some amends need to be made here so it won't be solved in a single chapter.

This was a bad idea.

Alec knew when he agreed to this dinner that he was going to end up regretting it. But no matter how much he tried to convince himself that he didn’t care about his father’s opinion of him, deep down he knew that wasn’t true.

A part of him would always crave his parent’s approval and long for the moment when his father would say those 5 magic words: “I’m proud of you Alec.” He knew it was pathetic, but so sue him. He needed the acknowledgement.

Thus, when Isabelle insisted that he have dinner with Robert on his most recent Clave sanctioned visit to the New York Institute, he had reluctantly agreed. This was, of course, on the condition that Isabelle attend this dinner as well, but because fate hates him he ended up getting a text message 5 minutes after he arrived telling him that she was running late.

He swore, if this was some hair brained attempt by Isabelle to get him and Robert to talk about their feelings, he was going to kill her. As well as intentioned as the attempt may be, she had no idea just how deep and dark Alec’s “feelings” ran.

“Did you sister say how long she was going to be?” Robert asked from across the table.

“No,” Alec replied. “She just said to order without her and she’ll get here soon.”

“Okay.”

Yep. This was going to be a disaster.

After 10 minutes of thoroughly reading their menus in silence and placing their order with the waiter, Alec and Robert were forced into Alec’s least favourite activity: small talk.

“So.”

“So.”

_Think Alec, if you can manage Lorenzo Rey, you can manage 45 minutes with your father._

“How’s Max?” Alec asked. He figured it was best to start with a safe topic.

“He’s good,” Robert replied, actually smiling a little. “He’s finally buckling down in his studies, and he seems to be enjoying the LA weather. Apparently New York was too cold and rainy for his preferences.”

“He probably just enjoys not being bossed around by Izzy anymore.”

“Probably,” Robert replied with a  chuckle.

 _So far so good_ , Alec thought to himself.   

“How are things with Magnus? Are you two still dating?”

And there it was: the punch in the gut that Alec had been dreading. This wasn’t actually Robert’s fault. It should have been a safe topic. Alec usually could talk about Magnus for hours, happily regaling anyone with the details of their latest European adventure. But after what happened with Lilith, things between Alec and Magnus had been tense. After a particularly bad shouting match last week, Magnus had requested some space to “figure out who he was without his magic.” Alec had tried to be understanding, but it still hurt.

“We’re taking a little break right now,” he replied, trying to keep his tone even.

“Oh? Did something happened?” asked Robert. He almost sounded concerned.

“I’d rather not get into the details right now.”

“Of course.”

Alec merely nodded in response.

“…”

 “It’s probably for the best anyways,” said Robert.

Alec shook his head and sighed. _Here we go._ “Really, Dad? And why is that?”

Alec knew he shouldn’t ask. He should have changed the topic and not given his father an opening to tell him about all the things he was doing wrong in his life. But after months of silence between them, all the anger he’d been pushing down has begun to bubble to the surface and override his better judgement.

“Well, you know the Clave has been watching your performance closely after everything that happened with Jace and Lake Lynn. It might be a good not to have any distractions for the moment. You can just focus on your work,” Robert stated calmly.

Alec rolled his eyes. “Don’t bullshit me Dad. You issue with Magnus has nothing to do with how _distracting_ he is.”

“If this is about him being a Downworlder-“

“This isn’t about him at all!” Alec snapped.

“Then what is it about?” Robert replied.

“It’s about _me_ and the only thing you actually care about: **optics**! How does it look to the Clave when you precious first born is off publicly dating a man – a Downworlder man at that.”

“Alec,” Robert replied, sounding strained for the first time that night. “Is that what you’re actually angry about? You think I have a problem with you being gay? Because I know we haven’t talked about it, but you have to know, I don’t care that you’re gay.”

“No, you just care that everyone else cares.”

“That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it? Less than 24hrs after I came out you leave town, and never come back. You couldn’t run fast enough.”

“I was under orders-”

“We all know you had to the pull to get transferred back if you wanted to. But you didn’t want to. Which is why the only time we actually see each other is when you’ve been ordered to come here.”

Glaring at his father across the table, Alec knew he probably sounded like a petulant child. Logically, he knew that the chaos caused by Valentine and the Mortal Cup had played a part in his father leaving. But the fact remained that coming out had been a big deal to Alec. He’d spent years agonizing over how his parents would react, and it hurt like hell when his father more or less acted exactly as he had feared.

He hadn’t been angry or disgusted like Alec had originally imagined. No, that wasn’t Robert’s style. Instead he had been slowly distancing himself from Alec politically, neither supporting nor disavowing his son. It had always been Robert’s go-to strategy – to appear neutral, so he could gain allies on both sides of any debate.

“It’s not like I haven’t kept in touch.” Robert tried to reason. “I call your sister all the time to check in.”

Alec just rolled his eyes, “Yes Dad, you’re great at keeping up appearances. I’m sure you look like a fantastic father to all your friends in the Clave, but the fact the remains that it’s a bunch of bullshit.”

With that, Robert finally snapped. “What do you want me to say, Alec? That appearances don’t matter? They do!” he shouted. “This is politics. Optics matter and if you were smart you might pay attention to that!”

“Oh, believe me, I am well versed in the importance of _optics_ ,” Alec spat.

“They were important when I was 13 and I realized I was gay. Because I _knew_ that no one would see me the same way if they found out what I was.

“They were important every time you and mom told me I needed to be the _perfect Clave solider_ , because I knew - no matter how hard I tried – that I was always going to end up being a disappoint to you.”

“Alec-”

“They were important when I came out in front everyone, and my own parents wouldn’t support me publicly. It didn’t matter that this was one of the most important moments of my life, all you cared about was that _I made a scene_.

“So you’re right,” Alec replied hoarsely, barely containing his emotions anymore. “Optics do matter. Because they show every other gay Shadowhunter out there what can happen when you come out to your family. They see that maybe your family will support you, or maybe things will go exactly as badly as you imagine and you end up losing your father.”

With that final statement, Alec stood up and tossed his napkin on the table. He could feels his eyes burning as his anger gave way to the heartbreak. He knew if he stayed in the restaurant he’d end up having a full on break down and crying in public wasn’t something he was willing to do.

He rushed for the door, ignoring his father’s shouts. Whatever response or excuse Robert had to make, Alec wasn’t in the mood to hear it. He just needed to get away.

The chilly night air helped him blink back his tears, but as he rushed down the busy New York street, he knew he could no longer avoid the oncoming meltdown. The dam had been broken and whether he liked it or not, over a decade’s worth of repressed pain was about to come flooding out.

Alec ducked into the nearest alley way, scaled a fire escape and scrambled onto the roof of a nearby low-rise. There wasn’t much up there except some empty beer cans and few mismatched lawn chairs. It didn’t matter to Alec though. He just needed to be alone, and as soon as his feet hit the ground he could feel his whole body start to shake.

He gripped the roof’s edge and covered his mouth with his other hand, trying to muffle the sob that overtook him. It didn’t do much to help. Hot tears streamed down his face and he was soon crying uncontrollably. All he could do now was sink to the hard ground and finally let his emotions flow unhindered.  

A deep, heart wrenching grief filled him. Alec had lost his father.

Granted, his father wasn’t dead or technically even out of Alec’s life, but the image of a parent who would love him unconditionally was dead and gone now. Alec had taken a leap of faith back at that wedding, hoping his parents would stand by him. But instead of stepping up to catch him, his father had stood back with all the others and shown he would rather let his son fall than be judged by his side.

Though Alec had never told anyone, that moment had devasted him. So tonight Alec finally grieved. He cried for the loss of his faith and his trust. He cried because the universe had finally been confirmed what he always feared – that love, even between father and son, was not unconditional.

…

After what felt like hours, Alec finally managed to regain a small amount of control over himself. He focused on the cool winter air and counted his breaths.

In… one, two.

Out… one, two.

In… one, two.

Out… one, two.

He scrubbed his hand over his face, trying to rub the last of the tears from his face. He probably looked like a mess and he would need to find somewhere to clean up before he headed back to the Institute. He really didn’t want to go back there. The minute he walked through those doors he went back to being the man in charge, always in control with the weight of the world placed squarely on his shoulders. Just thinking about it was exhausting but with him and Magnus still in the midst of their fight, Alec really didn’t have anywhere else to go.

A creak on the fire escape snapped him out of his depressed musings. He scrambled for his stele and quickly activated his glamour rune. He couldn’t afford for anyone to see him like this.

“Alec? Sweetheart, are you up there?”

Alec blinked in surprise as she hopped over the roof’s edge. What the hell was his mother doing here?

“Your father called,” Maryse explained, as if sensing his question. “He told me what happened.”

Alec didn’t know what to say. He wouldn’t have been surprised if Izzy or Jace had come looking for him, but he had not been expecting his Mother. Sure, she had been surprising him lately with her attempts to make amends with her three adult children, but a few kind words and dinner with his boyfriend couldn’t exactly undo years of nearly constant criticism. Thus, as she stood staring at him from across the roof top, Alec had no idea what to expect.

Maryse quickly crossed to where he was sitting and crouched down next to him. She looked like she wanted to say more, but after pausing briefly she instead just reached forward and cupped his face in her hands. Like Alec, she wasn’t always good at expressing her feelings with words, but when he looked into her eyes he could see the depth of emotion she so desperately wanted to convey.

Alec leaned into the touch, closing his eyes. Her hands were warm, and when she pulled him forward into her arms he practically fell into them. He knew deep down he was angry at her too.  She had been just as bad as his father over the years, but right now, in this moment, he couldn’t be bothered to care.

He wanted his fucking mom. He wanted her to hold him and tell him she loved him and make him feel safe in a way parents are supposed to. So he squeezed her tighter and buried his face into her shoulder as a fresh batch of tears began to form in his eyes.

They stayed that way for a few minutes, not speaking, save for the occasional sniffle from Alec. Eventually though the ache in Alec’s back forced him to pull back. It was then his mother finally decided to break the silence.

“Why don’t you come with me tonight?”

Alec nodded tiredly.

“Okay.”


End file.
